(This is a rush transcript. Copy may not be in its final form.)

TRUMP: Hi, Vladimir. How are you?

PUTIN: I am well, comrade. And you?

TRUMP: Never better. Perfect. Please give my regards to your lovely wife, whatever her name is.

PUTIN: Yes, and my best to Melanoma.

TRUMP: That’s Melania.

PUTIN: Whatever.

TRUMP: Vlad, I can tell you right now that without a doubt – before we even begin – this conversation is already the greatest phone call ever made between two world leaders of all time. Trust me. I can say that because I’m smart. Bigly smart. You know I won by a landslide right, Vlad?

PUTIN: Da. Just like me.

TRUMP: Biggest crowd ever at my inauguration. Amazing crowd; absolutely huge. Never before seen in the history of the world. Millions. Too many to count, even by satellite. You saw that.

PUTIN: Da…

TRUMP: Listen, Vlad…first of all, can I call you “The Impaler”? I thought of that myself. I like it. I am president now so I can call you whatever I want, right? The Impaler…huh?

PUTIN: No. You cannot call me that.

TRUMP: Okay, have it your way, Vladdy boy. Sad.

PUTIN: Mr. President, I wanted to congratulate you on becoming Leader of free world.

TRUMP: Thanks, ‘Mir. That means a lot coming from you.

PUTIN: That is good news, comrade Trump. I know we will be having good relations throughout your term.

TRUMP: Thanks, Vladdy. Me, too.

PUTIN: Good, because I need to inform you that the “pee-pee” video released to US media this year was only tip of iceberg, so to speak. Tip of gigantic pee-pee iceberg.

TRUMP: Why, er, what do you mean, Putin old buddy? Heh, heh…

PUTIN: Let’s put it this way, comrade Trump: I did not peg you as such voracious pee-pee drinker. But then again we all have our weaknesses…Russia has greatest, most compliant whores in world after all…

TRUMP: (coughing)

PUTIN: …We recorded every second of every visit you ever made on Russian soil. Is now available as 4-disc DVD/Blue Ray in Russian Republic. Including bonus disc with 2 hours of extended / deleted scenes.

TRUMP: (Barely audible): Oh, god…Bannon…where the fuck is Bannon!

PUTIN: And you know, some of us prefer to have sex with grown up women…

“CLICK.”