Hey, kids! VitaminWater week announced a new competition where one lucky contestant can win 100 grand for returning to a late-nineties era phone for an entire year.

But to enter the contest, you have to post a photo to your Twitter or Instagram account, tag VitaminWater, and tell them why you need a year-long break from your smartphone. You also need to tell them what you would do to survive or pass the time over that year period. The company notes that you should add the hashtags #nophoneforayear and #contest to your soc.

THEY – VitaminWater – WILL SELECT the contestant in January.

But wait! There’s more: the deal requires a lie-detector test at the end of the year just to make sure you didn’t cheat.

Okay, so…but here’s the thing: this is really just another PR ploy to get you to buy a fucking smartphone, right? It’s so easy to see through this crap. Everything about the neo-liberal economy is a scam or a fraud of some kind.

FOR INSTANCE: someone such as myself. I have never owned a smartphone. The only way I can even enter this fucking contest is to buy a phone. I’d have to buy a smartphone and create all these lame accounts and give up my dignity to purchase one of these devices in the hopes of being chosen for this contest so I can then give it up for a year.

Fuck that. I have never Tweeted anything in my life, and I’m not really sure what the hell Instagram even is. Tag? Hashtags? Nope. My “soc”? Not in a million years, pal. Keep the misery.

You see how this works, though, right? The point is, I can’t even enter the contest unless I fork up 500 bucks for a stupid smartphone.

They can cram it.

What, are humans really that incompetent and unable to function without being hooked up to some fucking device that this challenge seems so impossible?

Wow.

And I love how they assume everyone is a robot.

And why is it that every single website I found featuring this story is saturated with annoying pop-up after pop-up; commercials and ads up and down and sideways all over the place – because hey, we’re all just mindless fucking consumers who don’t even notice all the ads or the endless commercials because it’s been that way since you people were born.

And it’s all so condescending and dumbening. This is what they mean by ‘infantilization.’

Don’t you people notice how fucking ridiculously STUPID everything is?

Ever wonder why?

Well, I don’t really care. All I know is that even this program I’m writing on is capitalizing everything for me in real time…whether I like it or not.

How far we have fallen.

You can keep your fucking smartphone, Vitawatever.