“Congratulations, America!

We spent 40 million dollars surveying Bud Light® drinkers all over the country and the results from two years of consumer focus groups have shown that for some reason the words ‘mix’ and ‘tail’ scored highly with our target audience: people with an IQ below 80 and the tastes and desires of the average 10-year old child. Adding the extra ‘x’ to ‘Mixx’ increased the appeal level among the developmentally disabled as well: another primary market.

Our core customers have spoken, and we have responded. Consumers loyal to our product have consistently shown that they have no understanding of what good beer should actually taste like.

We found this phenomenon to be true in virtually every segment of society, however. The examples are prevalent throughout American history. It’s the reason why GM is still in business; it’s the reason why ‘Citizen’s United’ exists; it’s why Donald Trump is considered a viable presidential candidate.

Gross incompetence is the reason why ‘planned obsolescence’ seemed like such a great idea at the time.

Our core audience will consume virtually anything put before them. Be it fatty, toxic food products and sugary sodas or what passes for entertainment or even the filthy piss-water we bottle and sell as Bud Light: all of it is meant to appeal to the absolute lowest common denominator.

In other words: the average American consumer.

Upon further analysis of the survey results it was determined that we could simply put a new, more appealing label on a can of virtually identical beer-like substance, charge a little bit more and voila! Mixxtail®. Our core consumers were none the wiser – literally.

We might as well have called it ‘Cretin-Brew’; it wouldn’t have made a whole lot of difference.

The survey conclusively showed that the average American is patently incapable of recognizing or appreciating anything which can be even remotely considered “quality.”

This is very good for business.

The semi-literate hillbillies we cater to make no demands on us, and therefore it is easy to keep them happy. Like finely trained herd animals, they gladly accept the few crumbs we offer them with unquestioning gratitude.

In another important development, our in-house brewers – working closely with CIA bio-warfare experts – have been able to inject twice as many mind-control substances as before and nearly three times the ADHD-inducing agents into Bud Light Mixxtail®.

Since flavor is clearly not an issue among our core customers, there are no worries that our product’s popularity will diminish any time in the foreseeable future. This is a massive achievement.

So there you go, America! Drink up! Be proud of yourselves for being the dumbest people on the planet!

Have a Mixxtail® on the house…”

(End of transcript. The preceding was a TOTALLY FICTIONAL transcript from an unused promotional ad for Anheuser-Busch’s new beer-like product, Bud Light Mixxtail® – ‘Reinventing the Cocktail Experience With Bold and Refreshing Flavors’)