Him: …There, that wasn’t so bad, now, was it?

You: Well, no…yeah, that was pretty awful!

Him: At least it was quick. You’re one of the lucky ones…

You: Ugh…I guess so…where am I? What do you mean, ‘lucky?’

Him: This is what some people call Heaven.

You: Oh my God! You mean I’m dead?

Him: Well, yes, most certainly.

You: Oh my God! You must be St. Peter, then..?

Him: Ha ha, no, actually people always make that mistake. My name’s Joe. 

You: Oh, okay. So when do I get to meet St. Peter?

Him: Um…well, you see, that’s the thing…there is no St. Peter. We’re totally secular here.

You: Wait…what? Holy shit!

Him: Watch your language. Don’t worry. There is still a God, as you people like to refer to Him. No worries! He’s just not Christian…or Muslim…or Hindu…or Jewish or whatever. He’s erm…none of those.

You: He’s not a Mormon or a Scientologist or something is He?

Him: Oh, goodness no! Ha ha don’t make me laugh.

You: Oh, God…okay…ugh…gimme a minute to process this. So where the Hell am I?

Him: Not there, that’s for sure! Try not to use that word in here. You are in what we affectionately call the ‘green room.’ Some people call it ‘Heaven.’ You’re between lives, and this is the waiting area. You get to hang out here, kick back and relax for a little while before your next life.

You: What?

Him: That’s right. You’ve had a hard life. We know that. God understands that you need a little time to rest and ruminate before you move on to the next physical manifestation. So He created this wonderful sanctuary where the newly deceased can enjoy a bit of fun before they have to, you know, go back…

You: Wait a minute! You’re saying I have to GO BACK? Fuck! [Ooops, sorry…!] Why? What did I do wrong? Besides, I’m a Christian. I don’t even believe in reincarnation! I don’t want to go back!

Him: Yes, yes, that’s what they all say. But you see, God doesn’t ascribe to any one religion. That’s man’s invention. This is the way things really are, my friend. Of course you have to go back; and you must keep going back until your soul’s lesson has been learned. I have nothing to do with it. It’s the same for everyone. I’m just ding my job. Oy, I go through this every time a new soul checks in…

You: Oh, God – I think I’m gonna be sick. So where am I exactly? The Green Room? Where are the restrooms? Are there restrooms..?

Him: That’s right. Restrooms are right over there. Our facilities are top notch. Enjoy your time with us.  You could probably use a nice hot sauna or maybe even a massage. The brisket here is to die for (pun intended..ha ha!). There is also a wonderful veggie platter if you’re so inclined. Drinks are on The House. Go take a nice long shower; reflect on your life; think about what you learned. Meet some folks…but don’t make too many friends. Remember you gotta go back! Ha ha! Oh, I do love this job…take care. Nice meeting you…again! Last lifetime I believe you were Elizabeth(?) Anyway, see you next time!