(BEGIN TRANSCRIPT. This is a rush transcript. Copy may not be in its final form. )

His Esteemed Wisdomed Greatest President of the United States Ever Donald Trump (hereafter HEWGPOUSEDT): Good afternoon, my friend. I hope you have been well.

Zelensky (Hereafter “THAT GUY FROM UKRAINE”): Hello, my great friend. It is such an honor to speak to my hero. You are hero to all Ukraines.

HEWGPOUSEDT: Oh, please. You know I am a humble and brilliant man. Your praise makes me uncomfortable…

THAT GUY FROM UKRAINE: No, I insist dear friend. The world must know what an incredibly great leader you are! Far better than Napoleon or Lincoln or Gandhi.

HEWGPOUSEDT: Thank you. But now we simply must get down to business. My time is very precious. First of all I want to make it clear that I would never, ever request or demand a quid pro quo from you. As you know, I try to maintain a high standard of integrity in both my personal and my public life. Therefore I am deeply saddened there would be even the slightest hint of illegality in my totally perfect dealings with you. I simply will not stand for it.

THAT GUY FROM UKRAINE: Yes, of course Mr. President. You are truly greatest president of all time!

HEWGPOUSEDT: No, please, I insist…enough of your flattery. As E.A. Bucchianeri so eloquently wrote in his sublime Brushstrokes of a Gadfly “An acquaintance merely enjoys your company, a fair-weather companion flatters when all is well, a true friend has your best interests at heart and the pluck to tell you what you need to hear…” I understand your need to worship me as some sort of golden god but first I want to make sure there is absolutely no impropriety inferred in our previous, perfect conversation on July 25, 2019 where I did not ask for a quid pro quo.

THAT GUY FROM UKRAINE: Of course. Please accept my deepest apologies to you, the most stable of geniuses. I can assure you and the American people that no, there was no quid pro quo. Those dirty evil Bidens and all of their traitor friends are trying to come between the fantastic relationship we Ukraines enjoy with probably the greatest human being on the planet.

HEWGPOUSEDT: OK, thank you, Yeltsin. I’m glad we cleared that up…

(END TRANSCRIPT)