No Time to Die

Another fucking James Bond movie. This franchise should have ended when Sean Connery quit…alas, amid a traumatic production process, the 25th Bond film finally arrives. Hey, the guy who played Freddie Mercury is the evil villain. Meh.

Fast & Furious 9

Holy crap, what is this? The gearhead franchise keeps rolling along. From what I can tell a bunch of B-movie actors drive around and blow shit up. Typical Hollywood pabulum. Lots of explosions and car chases; excessive death, killing, destruction. Just like Umerka. .

Good Morning, Midnight

George Clooney directs this high-minded sci-fi tale with shades of Gravity or The Martian. That’s all you need to know. Pabulum made to appeal to the lowest common denominator. I’ll pass on this one, thank you very much.

Dune

WHY? Oh, right. Hollywood is fresh out of new, original ideas…so they remake crappy movies from decades past. Got it.

Godzilla vs Kong

Case in point. We are promised that “two most powerful forces of nature on the planet collide in a spectacular battle for the ages.”Another movie for the moron masses. Explosions, car crashes, gigantic monsters duking it out over where? Tokyo? New York? San Francisco? Who cares.

Ghostbusters: Afterlife

Please put AFTERLIFE to death. For the love of god, this franchise needs to be put to rest!

Top Gun: Maverick

Okay, let’s see…we can expect some sort of over-the-top, highly jingoistic, ultra patriotic, DUH DUH, GO UMERKA GO nationalistic drivel. That about sums it up. Nothing new or original here. It’s called PROPAGANDA. Plus it features scientologist moron Tom Cruise. Next!

Chaos Walking

Hard to say just what the hell this is about…except it has Star Wars’ Daisy Ridley and there is a lot of violence. So much fucking violence! Why? What a turn off.

Tenet

Christopher Nolan’s latest. Lots of explosions and car chases and crashes and death and destruction. So it’s probably a winner. Plus there’s some sort of monkeying around with the fabric of space and time. An added bonus: Black people.

Free Guy

This actually looks pretty cool…but again with the extreme violence. Okay, I realize most Umerkins are totally immune to it, but not me. Violence offends me, even comedy violence. I’m sure this will be a big hit, though. At least it’s an original concept…

Doolittle

…unlike Doolittle. Yep, all out of ideas…and yet somehow these stinkers still get funded.

1917

It’s history. No one in Umerka gives a shit about this stuff. Although there will certainly be lots and lots of the most hideous kinds of extreme ultra-violence…so who knows?

Sonic the Hedgehog

I am waiting for the LEGO HEDGEHOG movie. I’m sure it’s already in pre-production…