Finally some good news! Billionaire Sheldon Adelson, longtime fundraiser for the GOP and supporter of the vile Apartheid regime in Israel, has died at age 87. His timely death is a major blow to the forces of evil in the world.

I am happy to report that Adelson is already burning in Hell.

Mr. Adelson’s arrival in Hades this morning was met with squeals of delight by demons from all levels of the abyss. Adelson seemed confused as he was greeted by Satan’s emissary, welcoming him to the underworld. “But…but…I’m Jewish,” he whined, “I don’t even believe in hell!”

“So, how’s that working for you?” came the reply. The demon assured Mr. Adelson that he was indeed in the right place; then he was stripped naked, strung up upside down and a flaming hot poker was unceremoniously shoved up his fat ass.

Sources familiar with the process said this treatment is typical for all new residents of Hell.

Satan was busy lobbying in Washington, DC and unavailable for comment, but The Dark Lord has previously stated that he was “a big fan” of Mr. Adelson for his strong support for the “forces of evil,” and that he looks forward to personally torturing Adelson as soon as his schedule permits.

A spokesdemon for The Prince of Darkness said, “Rest assured, despite Mr. Adelson’s long record of vassalage to evil, Lucifer is still looking forward to making Adelson’s eternity in the Everlasting Fire a ‘living Hell.’

He pointed out that servitude to evil during one’s lifetime is no guarantee of leniency in Hell.