(Hot off the presses! This is a rush transcript of the acceptance speech Donald Trump plans to give at the RNC tonite! Truly inspiring words!)

“Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We are white, we are rich and we are better than you.”

I have a dream that one day in the high towers of Trump, the sons of former slave owners will come to my casino and sit down together at the table of poker.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Ohio, a state sweltering with the heat of horny Republicans trolling for under-age sex, sweltering with the heat of Craig’s List hookups, will be transformed into an oasis of greed and debauchery.

I have a dream that my entitled, sociopathic children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the money in their bank accounts.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day, down in North Carolina, with its vicious bathroom laws, with its governor having his lips dripping with words of “inclusion” and “transgender” — one day right there in North Carolina transgender children will be able to join hands with their gay and LGBTQ brothers and sisters as we march them off to Canada where they belong.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be privatized, and every hill and mountain shall be owned by me, the rough places shall also be owned by me, and the crooked places will be sold to the poor at a huge markup; and the glory of my vast fortune shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together.

This is my hope, and this is the faith that I go back to Washington with…

And if anyone thinks I plagiarized ONE WORD of this speech, you can go fuck yourself…”