I’M NOT ONE OF THOSE
TAKE YOU OUT TO LUNCH,
“HOW’S THE FAMILY?
LET’S GO HAVE A DRINK”
KIND OF FRIEND;
OR ONE OF THOSE WALK YOUR DOG
AS A FAVOR KIND OF FRIENDS
OR A WATER YOUR LAWN
OR A FEED YOUR PETS WHILE YOU’RE GONE
KIND OF FRIEND

I’M NOT THE KIND OF FRIEND
WHO’LL HELP YOU MOVE HOUSE
AFTER YOUR PAINFUL DIVORCE
OR A FIX YOUR CAR
ON THE WEEKEND
KINDA FRIEND;
I CAN’T MAKE YOU
A POT OF CHICKEN SOUP
BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW HOW TO COOK;
AND I CAN’T LOAN YOU ANY MONEY
I’M TOO POOR FOR THAT –
BUT I’D HAPPILY LOAN YOU A BOOK

KEEP IN MIND THAT FUNERALS DEPRESS ME
NOTABLY THE OPEN CASKET VARIETY
SO PLEASE DON’T INVITE ME;
I’M HARD PRESSED
TO ATTEND BIRTHDAYS
AND DON’T EXPECT ME
TO TAKE PART IN YOUR WEDDING
I GOT PROBLEMS OF MY OWN

I’M NOT THE KIND TO BABYSIT YOUR KIDS
SO YOU CAN HAVE A NIGHT OUT
KIND OF FRIEND,
OR THE KIND WHO SENDS OUT CHRISTMAS CARDS
OR BIRTHDAY CARDS
OR ANNIVERSARIES;
AND I WON’T HELP COACH YOUR KID’S
SOCCER TEAM
I CAN’T EVEN REMEMBER THEIR NAMES

I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE YOUR KID TO SCHOOL
WHEN YOU CAN’T GET OUT OF BED
KIND OF FRIEND
OR A WALK IN THE PARK ON A DEWY MORNING
KIND OF FRIEND;
NOR AM I A POST CARD SENDING
“DROP ME A LINE” KINDA
STAY IN TOUCH
PHONE TALKING FRIEND;
I’M REALLY NOT THAT INTERESTED
I’M NOT GONNA PRETEND

I’M ALWAYS LATE SENDING EMAILS
NEVER HAD A FACEBOOK ACCOUNT
I’M NOT INTO SOCIAL MEDIA;
I DON’T EVEN OWN A PHONE
AND I’M NOT THAT INTO PARTIES
SO DON’T BOTHER TO INVITE ME
CUZ I WON’T BOTHER TO COME
I’M REALLY NOT THAT KIND OF FRIEND

BUT IF YOU NEED ME I’LL BE THERE