If you gonna sing The Blues, you gots to know the rules.

Rule number one: the Blues are NOT about limitless choice. All options are bad. The Blues are what you have when you ain’t got nothing left.

Rule number two: most Blues songs begin with, “Woke up this morning…”

“I got a me good woman…” is a bad way to start a Blues song, unless you stick something awful in the next line, like:

“…she got the meanest dog in town…”

Rule number three: Once you have the first line in a Blues song, repeat it several times.

Find a pattern that rhymes:

I got me a good woman
she got the meanest dog in town
‘said I got me a good womaaaaan
she got the meanest dog in town
He got teeth like Scaramucci
and he weigh 300 pounds

Proper Blues instruments include guitar, harmonica and banjo. NOT sitar or pan flute.

If you ain’t too po’ to afford a car, acceptable Blues vehicles are American made: Cadillacs, Chevys or Fords. There are NO blues songs involving a Subaru, for instance…

Other acceptable modes of Blues transportation include Greyhound buses and South-bound trains; or just plain old walkin’.

Walkin’ plays a major role in the whole blues milieu.

So does ‘fixin’ to die.’

FACT: Teenagers and children generally can’t sing The Blues. Having The Blues means you’re old enough to be sentenced to die in the electric chair by an all-white jury for shooting a man in Memphis.

Young people are only allowed to sing The Blues in states with laws that permit the execution of minors.

You can have The Blues in places like New York City, Memphis, Chicago, Alabama or New Orleans. More good places to have the blues include: the highway; the train station; the crossroads; a shotgun shack; in the county jail; the dock of the bay; on a bus…

You can’t have The Blues in Montpelier, Banff or Bel Air…

If you’re feeling bad in South Dakota, Idaho or Colorado it’s just regular old depression: not The Blues.

You have a right to sing the blues if:

You’re blind;
You’re Black;
You have a mean old dog;
You shot a man in Memphis;
You can’t be satisfied.

You don’t have a right to sing The Blues if:

You’re tone deaf;
Your trust fund ran out;
Your dog has bad breath;
You just wrecked your brand-new Porsche Panamera.

If you ask for water and you get gasoline instead: that’s The Blues.

Other Blues drinks include moonshine, red wine, cheap whiskey and muddy water.

Blues drinks do not include: herb tea, Starbucks or Red Bull.

If it happens at the crossroads, in a cheap motel, or in a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Being stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a proper way to die. Other Blues deaths include drug/alcohol overdose, car accident, the electric chair and being denied treatment at the ER.

If you die during liposuction, straining on stool or hitting a tree while skiing in Aspen: it’s not a Blues death.

Acceptable Blues names for women: Bessie, Sadie, Big Mamma, Sister, Lucille.

For men: Joe, Willie, John, Little Willie, Big John, Little Willie John; Lightnin’, B.B., J.J.

Sierra, Muffy, Biff, Aiden, Liam, Emma and Sunshine are not acceptable Blues names – no matter how many men you shot in Memphis.

Blues names can include a physical infirmity or a deformity (blind, diabetic, crippled, just plain mean) and the name of a former president like Franklin, Jefferson, or Roosevelt.

Proper Blues names can even include some sort of vegetable or fruit, such as a lemon or melon – although this is difficult to pull off in the best of circumstances. “Pineapple”or “Kiwi Fruit” for instance are not good choices.

But: above all, when singing The Blues – try to be authentic. I hope these guidelines help.

Good luck, and happy Blues-wailin’!

[Re-post from 2018…]