I’M NOT ONE OF THOSE
TAKE YOU OUT TO LUNCH,
“HOW’S THE FAMILY?
LET’S GO HAVE A DRINK”
KIND OF FRIEND;
OR ONE OF THOSE WALK YOUR DOG
AS A FAVOR KIND OF FRIENDS
OR A WATER YOUR LAWN
OR A FEED YOUR PETS WHILE YOU’RE GONE
KIND OF FRIEND

I’M NOT THE KIND OF FRIEND
WHO’LL HELP YOU MOVE HOUSE
AFTER YOUR PAINFUL DIVORCE
OR FIX YOUR CAR
ON THE WEEKEND
KINDA FRIEND;
I CAN’T MAKE YOU
A POT OF CHICKEN SOUP
BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW HOW TO COOK;
AND I CAN’T LOAN YOU ANY MONEY
I’M TOO POOR FOR THAT –
BUT I’D HAPPILY LOAN YOU A BOOK

KEEP IN MIND THAT FUNERALS DEPRESS ME
NOTABLY THE OPEN CASKET VARIETY
SO PLEASE DON’T INVITE ME;
I’M HARD PRESSED
TO ATTEND BIRTHDAYS
AND DON’T EXPECT ME
TO TAKE PART IN YOUR WEDDING
I GOT PROBLEMS OF MY OWN

I’M NOT THE KIND TO BABYSIT YOUR KIDS
SO YOU CAN HAVE A NIGHT OUT
KIND OF FRIEND
OR THE KIND WHO SENDS OUT CHRISTMAS CARDS
OR BIRTHDAY CARDS
OR ANNIVERSARIES;
AND I WON’T HELP COACH YOUR KID’S
SOCCER TEAM
I CAN’T EVEN REMEMBER THEIR NAMES

I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE YOUR KID TO SCHOOL
WHEN YOU CAN’T GET OUT OF BED
KIND OF FRIEND
OR A WALK IN THE PARK ON A DEWY MORNING
KIND OF FRIEND;
NOR AM I A POST CARD SENDING
“DROP ME A LINE” KINDA
STAY IN TOUCH
PHONE TALKING FRIEND;
I’M REALLY NOT THAT INTERESTED
I’M NOT GONNA PRETEND

I’M ALWAYS LATE SENDING EMAILS
NEVER HAD A FACEBOOK ACCOUNT
I’M NOT INTO SOCIAL MEDIA;
I DON’T EVEN OWN A PHONE
AND I’M NOT THAT INTO PARTIES
SO DON’T BOTHER TO INVITE ME
CUZ I WON’T BOTHER TO COME
I’M REALLY NOT THAT KIND OF FRIEND

BUT IF YOU NEED ME I’LL BE THERE